The Barbie Dreamhouse
After Barbie’s wealth skyrocketed due to her prostitution ring, she decides to sell her dreamhouse and move out to somewhere more isolated and away from law enforcement. Eight of her closest friends compete for the chance to win tenancy of the property in a raw, authentic reality show set in Malibu, California. Cast (Top Row) L-R: Halsey, Danielle, Verity, Mahogany (Bottom Row) L-R: Annyeonghaseyo, Becky, Sonja, Julia Annyeonghaseyo - The Clueless Foreigner Becky - The Thirsty Side-Chick with Bad Edges Danielle - The Aggressive Hoodrat Halsey - The Tragic Fangirl Julia - The Jittery Hypochondriac Mahogany - The Queen of the Ghetto Sonja - The Male-Hating, Lesbian Feminist Verity - The Bitchy Socialite Episodes One: "Oh Wow, Can You Eat Pussy Like That?" The episode opens with aerial shots of Malibu as it pans along the exotic coastline. This continues until it stops in front of a set of huge pink iron gates. When they open on cue, the camera zooms in on the house itself, which is a similar shade as the gates, however, because of the exposure of this colour on a mass scale, it is vibrant and blinding. A lush white limo is shown pulling up in front of the mansion; when it comes to a stop on the tarmac driveway, eight young women step out of the vehicle individually and onto the gravel walkway that leads towards the front door. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' is beautiful, yes? *'Verity:' Shut up peasant. I’m surprised the cops were even able to get you out of the chains and cage Barbie had you locked in when they raided the house. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' huehuehue, lovely mens. I give good sucky sucky to them after. *'Verity:' That would’ve been painful as fuck. Everyone knows Asians are only good for handjobs because you’d have to use both of your tiny hands. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 그는 거대한 9 인치 검은 색 거시기를 가졌다. *'Verity:' English, sweetie. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Big it was. She demonstrates the length by holding her arms out in front of her. Verity just looks at her with a confused expression. *'Verity:' I don’t understand what you’re trying to communicate here. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Wah? *'Verity:' I… Don’t… Understand… *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Huh? *'Verity:' Sorry? *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Haigh? *'Verity:' Ugh… You’re not the dumbest person on the planet, but sure better hope they don’t die. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Bitch. *'Verity:' I…- I beg your pardon? *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Yo no hablo ingles. Je ne parle pas anglais. 我不會說英語. Ich spreche kein Englisch. δεν μιλάω αγγλικά. 私は英語を話さない. मैं अंग्रेजी नहीं बोलता. Sizungumzi Kiingereza. Я не говорю по английски. angikwazi ukukhuluma isingisi. 나는 영어로 말하지 못한다. *'Verity:' It must be difficult for you, exhausting your entire vocabulary in one sentence. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 미안, 작은 가슴. *'Verity:' Oh, piss off. Stop messing with my head and flip-flopping with all this gibberish. The camera switches to the lesbian and chav. *'Sonja:' #GRABSBACKTHEPUSSY *'Danielle:' Just ignore her… Oh my god, the absolute twats also took the cocaine supply. *'Sonja:' Meninist pigs, who the fuck do they think they are? Taking a woman’s belongings, utter trash bags. I finna give them a hefty typhoid slap backward mogool if they ever come near this cooch, #DOWNWITHTHEPATRIARCHY. *'Danielle:' Nobody would, you’re a fucking dirty cow. When was the last time you washed out that fishmonger? *'Sonja:' Couple of months ago. This comment causes all of the girls to vacate her immediate vicinity, hold back vomit and keep their gag reflex in check. Julia screams in horror. *'Julia:' Stay away from me! I’ll catch something from you… I can already feel myself burning up… I feel faint and dizzy, Becky, help me! *'Becky:' You hush up. *'Julia:' B-but… *'Becky:' Girl, you’re not pretty enough to be this stupid, whether you’re acting this way for attention and/or pity, stop it right here, right now. I’m not buying your bullshit. Go pester someone else, or find something better to occupy your time with. *'Halsey:' Oh I know! Listen to Badlands, it’s a masterpiece, aii. *'Julia:' It’d probably give me a perforated eardrum. Not here for it. *'Becky:' It’s true, I got one after trying to ingest an earful of that blue-haired bitch’s silver daddy fetish. *'Halsey:' But it’s aesthetic! You wouldn’t know pure art if it slapped you on your silicone ass or flicked your collagen-filled lips. *'Becky:' Oh sweetie no. We don’t condone racism in this house. These lips are as natural as they come and I won’t be subjected to your derogatory remarks. You’re cancelled, bih. *'Halsey:' But that wasn’t even racist! *'Julia:' You’re racist? Ew, what the hell. *'Becky:' I know right, tell her to get back on Tumblr. *'Halsey:' No! That place makes me suicidal. *'Becky:' Your presence is making me suicidal… Look at you, you mess! You’re rocking the outfit that skank was wearing in the ‘Colors’ MV, it’s doing nothing for your hog body, dear. And that jumper that you’ve tied around your neck? Make the knot a little tighter so you choke yourself. Becky grabs onto the sleeves of the jumper and does the job for her, leaving Halsey wheezing and gasping for oxygen. As her skin begins to turn a deep shade of purple, this attempted murder is interrupted, allowing the blue-haired mong the ability to breathe once again. *'Mahogany:' Ermahgerd, girl. Where the hell have ya been? *'Becky:' As far away from you as possible. *'Mahogany:' Keisha told me you got yourself pregnant from some fine dark chocolate hunk. *'Becky:' Look at me. Does it look like I’m pregnant to you? *'Mahogany:' This extra pudge around your waist and thighs tell me a different story. *'Becky:' Go fuck yourself, xoxo. I swallowed any potential children after our all-nighter. *'Mahogany:' Ooo, you kinky bitch. Once Halsey manages to regain consciousness after temporarily blacking out, she begins to sing obnoxiously to spite Becky. *'Halsey:' I don't like them innocent, I don't want no face fresh, want them wearing leather, begging, let me be your taste test- *'Sonja:' All you had to do was ask, sexy. Spread ‘em. I want to make a meme about fish. *'Danielle:' You’re already a walking one, sis. *'Sonja:' I’m not talking to you. *'Halsey:' I found a martyr, he told me that I'd never, with his educated eyes and his head between my thighs- *'Sonja:' Yummy. Can I climb between your thighs, mama? *'Danielle:' Ah, so you’re the reason homophobia exists. Predatory lez going large on unsuspecting victims. *'Sonja:' I always wait for consent. *'Danielle:' Sure, Jan. *'Halsey:' Are you insane like me? Been in pain like me Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me? Just to pour that motherfucker down the drain like me? Would you use your water bill to dry the stain like me? Are you high enough without the Mary Jane like me? Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me? Do the people whisper 'bout you on the train like me? Saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me? *'Sonja:' ...I lost interest halfway through that, so… what do you say to my proposal? Want to excuse ourselves to the master bedroom and exchange a cheeky finger? As if in her own world, Halsey ignores her and walks away, leaving Sonja watching her retreating figure whilst biting her lip and trying to dry up her soaking wet downstairs. The camera then follows the girls as they make their way towards the dreamhouse. Using the key that is hidden underneath the decorative plant pot, they unlock the front door and head into the foyer with their suitcases and bags in tow. After Mahogany kicks the door shut with her Gucci stiletto, the phone rings - the jingle echoing through the vacant halls. Verity answers after it’s third ring. *'Verity:' Hello? Dreamhouse residence… Ah, I see… Okay, yes. I understand. No need to worry Barb, everything is under control… We’ll get to it right away. Kisses! Mwah! *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 그녀는 뭐라고 말 했나요? Verity just casts her a throwaway look, ignoring her question. *'Verity:' Listen up, sluts. Barbie has tasked us with finding her jewelry set that she accidentally left behind. Conveniently, the seven pieces have been scattered around the house and the slut who doesn’t find one, I am told, is to leave immediately. *'Becky:' I’ve already won then cunts… I borrowed her $400,000 pearl necklace for a high-profile fancy dress party up in Beverly Hills. *'Mahogany:' LMFAO! Go polish your crocs bitch, you’re not on that level. *'Becky:' I still went there. *'Mahogany:' Is that where you got a good dicking? *'Becky:' Now’s not the time… Anyway, good luck to the rest of you! *'Mahogany:' You heard homegirl. Get to stepping hoes! *'Becky:' That means you as well dipshit. *'Mahogany:' Oh *blushes* *'Danielle:' I call dibs on her digs! Without any further instruction, Danielle is seen kicking Sonja in the shins so that she’s immobilized as well as punching Halsey in the throat, cutting off her awful singing. *'Sonja:' That’s not fair… *'Halsey:' *wheezes* /dshfdjgmfhrsqwrh/te/awGE2Y34Y54THR#AS\’D’’sdsfdg’fhsn *wheezes* *'Sonja:' Oh wow, can you eat pussy like that? Julia, on the other hand, has seated herself on the sofa in the lounge, rubbing her temples with her fingertips. *'Julia:' I need some advil. *'Becky:' What you need to do is get a move on, otherwise your ass is grass. *'Julia:' Will you help me deduce the source of my headache? I’ve come up with several diagnoses… I have a tumor, I’ve suffered an aneurysm without noticing, I have high blood pressure. I managed to displace my vertebrae on the drive here, I have a sinus infection… Sleep deprivation could also be the cause… Or even caffeine overload or caffeine deficiency. I don’t know, what are your thoughts? *'Becky:' Other than the fact you have an overactive imagination, you should check in with a psychiatrist. *'Julia:' Oh my god, I think you’re right. As time passes, the girls return one by one with different pieces of jewellery. Danielle is the first to come back, clutching a diamante choker; followed by Sonja and Verity who both have an earring each. Annyeonghaseyo returns with one of Barbie’s leather whips she used to use on her slaves when they tried to go to sleep or if they slacked off whilst working. Mahogany comes to the living room with a variety of anklets, leaving Julia and Halsey without any items. *'Becky:' Julia check the couch! Barbie might’ve lost something down the back of the cushions! At this point, Halsey comes into the room and hears what Becky had said. This results in her making a mad dash at the sofa. Danielle brutally trips her up by grabbing onto the fluffy rug and pulling it from underneath her. *'Danielle:' Make sure she doesn’t have a chance to continue looking! This irritating bitch is going and that’s that. *'Halsey:' What? Give me a chance at least! This isn’t fair! *'Danielle:' Shut up Blake. *'Halsey:' It’s Halsey. H-A-L-S-E-Y. *'Danielle:' That’s what I said. Whilst Julia tears apart the cushions, Annyeonghaseyo and Sonja have decided to settle their rear ends on top of Halsey, rendering her motionless. *'Halsey:'Ladies, I can't breathe. After an extensive, hour long search, Halsey is shown to have suffocated under the weight and Julia has still not found anything. She is also shown crying hysterically. *'Julia:' I feel so dirty! I’ve contracted so many diseases! *'Verity:' Oh fuck this. Verity is shown chipping off a couple of diamonds from the diamante choker Danielle had found and hands them to Julia. *'Verity:' This’ll do, Halsey is out. *'Sonja:' I think she’s dead. *'Becky:' It’s what she deserves. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Oopsee. *'Danielle:' What are we going to do with her body then? *'Verity:' Dump her in the limo, let Heath take care of everything from there. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Barbie has a jar of sulfuric acid in the basement. *'Verity:' Since when could you talk fluent English? *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 난 당신이 무슨 뜻인지 모르겠어요. *'Verity:' Ugh, whatever. The seven girls are shown carrying Halsey’s body out to the limo, wrapped prettily in the fluffy rug. They struggle chucking her ragdoll-like body into the backseat, but eventually manage after a ten-minute long grapple. The episode then fades out after watching the limo drive away from the dreamhouse. Two: "Aiiiiiiiiii" The next morning, the ladies are shown waiting in the kitchen for the arrival of Annyeonghaseyo; solely for the fact that none of them know how to cook. *'Becky:' I’m starving bitches! Can’t we just pop out to Maccies or something? *'Julia:' I think the fuck not. Have you seen how they prepare their food? It’s absolutely vile and unsanitary. *'Becky:' Honestly, that means fuck all. I need food. *'Julia:' Skipping breakfast won’t matter, we can’t continue being skinny legends if we engorge on junk. *'Becky:' Why are you being so uptight? *'Julia:' I’m not! *'Becky:' K, whatever. The girls go silent for a moment before the sound of someone’s stomach rumbling echoes through the kitchen. *'Danielle:' Rock, paper, scissors, to see who goes to fetch her? *'Sonja:' I mean, if I go hunt for her, it might take an extra half an hour. *'Danielle:' Shut up, you tramp. *'Sonja:' Pfft, that’s rich coming from the likes of you. I can literally smell rusty metal from your trashy hoop earrings and the lingering scent of the last 30 cigarettes you chain-smoked. Sort ya shit out, pal. *'Mahogany:' She finna snap. *'Danielle:' ...You know what? *'Mahogany:' Oh shit! *'Verity:' Ladies, please! Try and be civil, I’ll wake her up. After she climbs down several flights of stairs to the dinghy and damp basement, Verity gags and screams when a couple of rats creep across the floor. *'Verity:' Holy Mother of God, guide me to the skank. With the help of her mobile phone’s flashlight mechanic, Verity finds the small closed door in the far corner. Cautiously making her way over, she all-but-lightly knocks on the wooden board - the brute force almost breaking the fragile thing. When she receives no answer, Verity lets herself in. Annyeonghaseyo’s room was like a wonderland for K-Pop fans. The walls were a deep red that pulsed in the dim light, sprinkled with various posters, mostly of leaked nudes from male K-Pop idols. Under the duvet, Anny was on her back like a starfish, her positioning caused lumps of varying sizes and shapes to protrude from the mattress. A desk sat in one corner, littered with wadded up pieces of paper and pens. A few shelves were pushed against the walls and filled with books. Some books sat on the floor in front of the shelves. Her suitcase was on the floor beside her bed and her clothes were already scattered messily around the room. *'Verity:' WAKE UP HO. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 내 방에서 꺼져 *'Verity:' It sounds like you’re trying to make up excuses, my dear. But you have a job to do that’ll benefit the rest of us girlies, okay? Now get up and don’t complain. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 엿 먹어라. *'Verity:' If you don’t speak English, you’re not saying anything of value, am I clear? *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Yes. *'Verity:' Good. Now go make us breakfast. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Me no slave, bitch. *'Verity:' Excuse the fuck me? When you’re living under Barbie’s Dreamhouse’s roof, you listen to the rich white girls. You P.o.C should know your place. Daddy taught me that you’re shady and untrustworthy. You’re no exception, Anny. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' jajajaja *'Verity:' Don’t laugh! Do your job, stupid ass. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' DIE DIE DIE DIE WHITE SUPREMACIST *throws pillow and kicks her in the pussy* Verity unleashes a primal, high-pitched wail of pain which alerts the rest of the girls. Once they arrive in the small room, Verity is shown face down on the floor, having passed out - Anny’s foot has managed to get lodged in her camel toe. *'Sonja:' That’s so hot. Can I join? *'Danielle:' Learn some self-respect. *'Sonja:' idk her. *'Danielle:' Clearly. *'Julia:' THAT’S DISGUSTING *begins to dry heave uncontrollably* *'Becky:' Calm your gag reflex. *'Julia:' I can’t *gag* help *gag* it *throws up all over Becky* *'Becky:' You dirty bitch! *'Annyeonghaseyo:' I can help. Anny finally removes her foot out of Verity’s minge and retrieves a packet of antibacterial wipes from her luggage. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 이것은 김치를 먹을 때 일어나는 경향이있다. *'Julia:' *she’s sobbing, her mascara forming black streaks down her cheeks* I don’t know what you’re saying. *'Mahogany:' Nobody does… Whilst Mahogany, Becky and Anny struggle to get the unconscious Verity up the stairs and into the living room, Danielle and Sonja are already there waiting for them. After all seven of the plastics are seated, they wait a few minutes before a ringtone goes off, filling the silence. Accepting the call, Barbie’s face appears on the huge plasma screen. *'Barbie:' What’s up, sluts? *'Mahogany:' The queen has graced us with an appearance, hallelujah! *'Becky:' Stop sucking up, Sonja might think you swing that way. *'Sonja:' Who does? *'Mahogany:' Excuse me? *'Sonja:' Hmmm? *'Mahogany:' Sorry? *'Sonja:' Lesbians say what. *'Mahogany:' What? *'Sonja:' Yes ma’am! Now spread ‘em. *'Danielle:' Pretty sure that’s illegal, sexual harassment and the works. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 아닌 건 아닌거야! I join, yes? *'Sonja:' Hell yeah, whack your little titties out bitch. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' *giggles and lifts top to reveal her flat chest* *'Sonja:' Ew… She’s out here looking like a little boy! ALL MEN MUST DIE! *cunt punches Anny and twists her nipples* *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Aiiiiiiiiii *'Becky:' What the actual fuck is going on? *'Barbie:' ENOUGH! The shrill tone reverberated throughout the room and caused all of the girls to cease their petty tiffs. It was also loud enough to wake up Verity, who seems disorientated as she wipes away the drool from her cherry lips. *'Barbie:' Anyway… This next task I’m about to set you is for me to see how hard you can party before everything goes to shit. Heath will take you to the hottest spot in Malibu where you will enjoy the night out… If you manage to get completely fucked to the point where you can’t remember your name or your face-down in the middle of the road, you will win, simple as. If you manage to stay tipsy but still coherent, you’ve failed. There’s in nothing more boring than a sobriety. Also, Heath will be there 24/7 and will get all of the present ladies home by curfew, if you’re not delivered by that time and decide to rock up hours later, you’ll be eliminated because the gates will remain locked. Have I made myself clear? *'Danielle:' Not really no, but k. *'Barbie:' Good! Have fun! A montage of clips flick between the ladies in different stages of undress as they try on multiple outfits for this evening’s ventures. After a while, Verity is the last one to arrive by the front door. They are then led to the limo by Heath. *'Sonja:' I’m gonna get so much poon! *'Danielle:' You’re disgusting, you know that? *'Sonja:' Your point? *'Danielle:' … *'Mahogany:' I mean, at least the thots ambitious, right? Becky, you need a good dicking as well, I think we all do. Actually, except for Julia, she’d probably die mid-impale. *'Julia:' I’ve had plenty, thank you very much. *'Becky:' The amount of STDs you could’ve been at risk of contracting, oh the horror! *'Julia:' Holy shit, you’re right! What am I going to do, oh my god *begins to hyperventilate* *'Danielle:' Here she goes again… Heath pull over at a drop-in centre, right now. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 우리 거기 있니? *'Verity:' Hush up. When the limo pulls into a lay-by, Danielle grabs onto Julia’s hair and drags her out of the car, whilst she still tries to catch her breath. Dumping her panicking body on the sidewalk, Danielle then goes round to the trunk and lifts out a suitcase, tossing it at Julia. The other girls watch from a wound-down window or from the sunroof. *'Danielle:' Ho, get some professional help. We’re done with you. *'Sonja:' You can’t just leave her there! Let me take her home, I can look after her in my room. *'Danielle:' *looking at Julia* Have fun at the clinic, bitch. *'Julia:' Don’t go! *'Danielle:' Did anyone hear something whining? No? Me neither. She then climbs back into the limo and signals Heath to keep going, which he does - leaving Julia still trying to regulate her breathing. When the limo pulls up at the traffic lights not far from where they dumped her, the ladies can hear her screams of terror. Looking back, they notice Julia being surrounded by some dirty homeless men, holding their hands out for money. *'Verity:' We should go help her. *'Becky:' Fuck that… I finna get utterly smashed tonight. *'Mahogany:' Preach! When Heath pulls up outside of the club, all of the ladies pile out and rush into the building. Upon entering, the six were exposed to darkness. The only thing that lit up the immediate vicinity were the flashing pink, yellow and blue neon laser lights. *'Becky:' This is my fucking TUNE! *'Mahogany:' BIHHHH! The duo smoothly make their way to the dancefloor where they’re joined by other black goddesses. *'Sonja:' *inhales* I can smell oestrogen, yasss! *'Danielle:' *shaking her head* piss off, you mess. *'Sonja:' Piss on me if you want. *'Danielle:' … *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 나는 그것을 좋아한다. *'Sonja:' You do, huh, baby? *'Verity:' Don’t tarnish her innocence. Stay away. *'Sonja:' It’s fine if you’ve staked your claim, sweetie, let me join next time though, yeah? *'Verity:' Leave. A montage of clips follow after this exchange. Sonja is shown making out with at least twelve different girls, Verity is depicted being gangbanged by a fraternity in the bathrooms, Annyeonghaseyo is shown snorting cocaine off of a stripper’s bare ass and Danielle is shown on the verge of passing out by the bar whilst Becky and Mahogany are dancing in sync with an entourage of other women. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' 좋은 똥, 좋은 똥. Later that evening, Heath is shown dragging several unconscious bodies and dumping them into the back of the limo. Back at the Dreamhouse, the ladies are woken up by a blaring alarm that signals Barbie’s incoming video call. Answering the call whilst simultaneously cringing at their throbbing headaches, the girls watch her appear on-screen. *'Barbie:' Oh wow… Don’t you bitches look awful. *'Danielle:' We been knew. *'Barbie:' Regardless. It looks as though you all enjoyed getting absolutely wankered, congrats! Well, except for two of you… Verity and Mahogany, girls, I thought you were better than this. *'Verity:' I can’t remember what happened, surely that’s a good enough receipt? *'Barbie:' Invalid, sorry. How am I supposed to know you’re telling the truth? *'Verity:' Oh. *'Barbie:' Don’t worry though, you’re safe. Mahogany, pack your bags and get out of my mansion xoxo. *'Mahogany:' Wait, what? I felt pissed! *'Barbie:' Heath did a breathalyzer test on all of you and you weren’t as plastered as the others, sorry doll. *'Mahogany:' Becky shafted me! *'Becky:' We had the exact same amount to drink, sis. Clearly you hold your alcohol better than I do. *'Mahogany:' Ugh, fuck all of y’all wit yo raggedy asses all of y’all bitches is fake. It’s not my fault I had a craving. Whilst I was outchea getting pummeled by some guy with a huge dick, all of y’all forgot to top up my glass. *'Becky:' Surprised you didn’t get the clap, hussy. *'Mahogany:' I can’t believe you motherfuckers, smh. Stupid ass bitches, I hate y’all. *'Barbie:' Thanks for that, now get the fuck out of my house. *'Annyeonghaseyo:' Geumyoilbam. *'Barbie:' True. The remaining five girls watch as Mahogany all but stomps her way to the limo, climbing into the backseat after tossing Becky the middle finger. Heath then climbs into the driver’s seat before exiting through the pink, iron gates. Elimination Table